—- A Victim’s Personal Account
1. The Cause of the Incident
1) From 2001 to 2014, My Wife and My Mother Had a Very Good Relationship
From 2001 to 2014, My Mother Helped My Family Take Care of Our Children in Toronto. My Wife and My Mother Had a Very Good Relationship. They Often Chatted Together, Took Our Children to Neighbors and Friends’ Homes, and Got Shopping Together.
Their Relationship Was Much Better Than the Typical Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationship. My Neighbors and the Church Group Members Who Met Monthly at My House Can Allege Their Close Relationship.
Every Time My Wife and I Argued, My Mother Always Sided with My Wife and Blamed Me. I Learned Many of My Mother’s Stories and Thoughts from My Wife. My Wife Was Very Dedicated to My Mother.
My Mother Later Returned to China. My Wife Returned to China in 2006 and 2015, Spending Most of Her Time lived together with my mother at My Mother’s Home in Beijing Instead of Her Own Mother’s Home.
2) “Hide-and-see” Leads to Misunderstanding
When my wife returned to China in August 2015, she told my mother: “If Mom returns to Canada, she’ll live alone. If she doesn’t have enough money, my sister and I will contribute.”
After returning to Canada in September 2015, my wife told me: “My sister and I will jointly support Mom’s retirement.” My sister definitely won’t contribute, and Mom will transfer her retirement pension to Canada. “Let’s buy a house and let Mom live in that place. It’s better than living in a nursing home.”
But my wife didn’t tell me that she had already told my mother: “Mom will live alone, and my sister will contribute.”
3) The Beginning of the Conflict
I felt that my mother, having just raised our children, had proposed that Mom live alone and that my sister contribute. She also created difficulties to get Mom to transfer her retirement pension to Canada, thereby using her retirement pension as a help to buy a house. This was unethical.
Furthermore, my mother’s retirement pension were her only source of income in her later years and couldn’t be tied to our mortgage payments. I said I didn’t agree to the house purchase.
My wife immediately said, “Then have your mother move out.” I was shocked. Surprisingly, my wife and I started arguing about this, but the topic of our arguments was no longer “buying a house,” but rather my mother’s move out.
4) Escalating conflicts and issues:
Over the next six months, my wife repeatedly urged me to rent a house for my mother, and the arguments grew increasingly intense. I felt she was being unreasonable, demanding my mother move out if I didn’t agree to her buying a house.
Our house was large, and we didn’t have the extra money to rent a place for my mom. Furthermore, my mother had already applied for government senior housing, so renting a place for her was unnecessary. So I assumed my wife was forcing me to rent in order to get me to agree to her buying a house.
I didn’t know at the time that my wife had already told my mother in Beijing, “My mother will live alone, and my sister will contribute to the expenses.”.
Because my wife had already told my mother about “my mother living alone and my sister co-paying for her. She didn’t know how to handle the situation. Since she was 100% dominant at home, she frequently urged me to rent an apartment for my mother. This led to constant arguments and a deteriorating relationship, nearly leading to divorce.
5) Key Events
Due to the deteriorating relationship between my wife and I, when my mother returned to Canada in April 2016, my wife took her anger out on my mother, saying, “I told you so clearly in Beijing, and you still come back with such a shameless attitude.” Consequently, my mother had to move out of my house in July, feeling deeply aggrieved, and rent an apartment.
6) Serious Consequences
Shortly after moving out, at the end of August, my mother was involved in a serious car accident: she fractured her spine, her right hip, and her leg. All her bones and ribs were broken, and she was in a coma for over ten days, nearly dying. (She is now able to walk freely.)
My wife felt the consequences were too serious, so she transferred the hundreds of thousands of mortgage loan from our home to her own name and want to divorce.
I want to emphasize:
1) The “starting cause” my mother moved out wasn’t because of a bad relationship between my wife and my mother, nor was it my wife’s desire to live separately from the elderly, nor was it a lack of respect for my mon. The real reason was that my wife wanted to use my mother’s retirement pension as a help to buy a house.
2) But my wife’s concealment of the truth led to misunderstandings, and our lack of communication and inability to resolve the situation led to escalating conflicts, ultimately forcing my mother to move out. The matter ended there, and it wasn’t difficult to resolve.
2. Pastor Gong Mingpeng’s Counseling Causes a Confusion of Right and Wrong
1) Counseling Process (2017)
At that time, I am in pastor Gong’s church, in early 2017, my wife and I attended Pastor Gong Mingpeng’s weekly marriage counseling for nine months.
In the first few months, Pastor Gong only pointed out my problems and never addressed my wife’s. I assumed it was because he wasn’t familiar enough with my wife.
But after a few months, he and my wife had become close, yet he still didn’t address her issues. I confronted him repeatedly, “Why don’t you ever point out her problems? If you keep doing this, she’ll think she’s fine.” We argued many times over this.
During one argument, Pastor Gong Mingpeng said, “Your problems are bigger than your wife’s. I didn’t address you because of your mother’s situation (referring to my mother’s car accident) and didn’t want to upset you.” ”
2) Confusion of right and wrong
In subsequent counseling, Pastor Gong further stated:
I didn’t put husband-wife relationship first;
I didn’t put my family’s interests first;
He said , I “should have stood with my wife and worked together, but I used my mother’s matter against her”;
I didn’t care my wife’s feelings;
My wife transfer the money, because what I did to her.
This is a complete distortion of right and wrong, shifting the blame onto me and rationalizing my wife’s actions:
The mistake of my mother moving out of our home was originally my wife’s., but Pastor Gong shifted it onto me, rationalizing my wife’s behavior.
My wife had done something deeply wrong, but Pastor Gong, using the argument that “I didn’t put husband-wife relationship first,” put me in a position that violated biblical principles and was deeply wrong.
In reality, Pastor Gong was pitting “honoring parents” against “putting husband-wife relationship first.”
3) Pastor Gong Mingpeng, knowing full well that he had perverted right and wrong, chose to conceal the truth.
Based on the facts presented by my wife and me, the cause and course of events are crystal clear, and it’s easy to conclude that my wife is responsible for my mother’s moving out.
Pastor Gong initially mistakenly assumed that I was overbearing and inconsiderate of my wife. But by the end of counseling, he knew my wife was completely overbearing.
He forcibly applied biblical principles, disregarding the actual circumstances, and accused me of not prioritizing the marital relationship. He also contrasted “honoring parents” with “prioritizing the marital relationship.”
He knew his teachings had no factual basis; they were merely artificially “forced” changes, resulting in a distorted understanding and injustice.
His claim that “I forced my wife to transfer the money” was even more illogical. A husband and wife’s joint responsibility. Money must be held in joint names; this is basic principle and common sense.
Pastor Gong fully understood that he had perverted the truth, yet he chose to conceal it, refusing to admit his mistake or correct it, perpetuating the misconception.
4) I repeatedly asked him to correct his mistake , but he refused.
I repeatedly told Pastor Gong that he had perverted right and wrong. I wrote to him and church staff, asking him to correct his mistake, but he refused to admit or correct it.
I repeatedly explained:
I didn’t “not put family interests first.” I primarily devoted my time, energy, and money to my family. The reason I couldn’t “stand with my wife” was because her actions went against my conscience. But Pastor Gong still refused to correct his mistakes.
He told me, “Others would support you if they heard what you said, but it’s different if they hear what your wife says.” However, he never pointed out the discrepancies between my wife’s account and my own version of the facts.
I repeatedly suggested that he, my wife, and I discuss the entire situation together to clarify the truth. However, Pastor Gong said, “There’s no one to determine right and wrong,” making it impossible to verify the facts.
If the matter were truly clarified, Pastor Gong’s account would be completely untenable.
5) He continued to mislead, resulting in serious consequences.
I requested corrections, but he refused. He displayed a spiritual attitude and excellent personal cultivation, frequently expounding on biblical principles, sharing stories of “sacrificial love for his wife,” and testimonies of “correcting mistakes.” This led me to believe that perhaps because I wasn’t as spiritual as he was, I didn’t understand his teachings, and because I didn’t want to embarrass him, I stopped insisting on his corrections.
He exploited his pastoral authority, using “higher biblical principles” to distort truth and falsehood, profoundly misleading my wife.
In counseling sessions, my wife often said: She and Pastor Gong both understood that “I don’t prioritize my relationship with my wife.” She was transferring the money to protect the family.
My wife’s misguided statements stemmed directly from Pastor Gong’s misleading comments.
The result is : a problem that was once easily resolvable was pushed into an unsolvable, catastrophic situation. Months of counseling followed, all conducted within this framework of misinterpreting right and wrong, ultimately forcing me to stop.
6) Other misguided practices exacerbated the situation.
He only asked me to admit my mistake, not to address my wife’s faults, which further fueled my self-righteousness.
When my wife “controlled my finances without my knowledge,” he didn’t point out that this behavior was wrong and needed to stop. Instead, he created an atmosphere of “harmony and peace” during counseling, simply saying, “Husbands and wives should discuss finances together.” This effectively turned the serious issue of my wife’s financial control into something that could be dealt with peacefully, and he legitimated her financial control over me..
When other pastors explicitly stated, “My wife must stop transferring the money,” he said, “Don’t just focus on the money; look six months ahead.” This prevented me from stopping her in time.
After the counseling ended, my wife continued to control the money and did not allow me to know the situation, which kept me in a state of unilateral restriction.
Amidst the marital conflict, he urged me to “love and understand my wife.” This led me to mistakenly believe that simply becoming more spiritual and giving more could resolve the issue, ultimately trapping me in bondage.
He pitted “honoring parents” against “putting the marital relationship first,” further exacerbating our arguments.
7) Disastrous Consequences
The responsibility for my mother’s moving out was reversed, placed on me; my wife’s actions were justified.
My wife’s behavior of controlling money was implicitly recognized in the church environment, which made her feel at ease, and the basic principle of joint property of husband and wife was violated.
Originally, there were no mother-in-law and daughter-in-law issues; my mother moved out because my wife “hid the truth from both sides.” This shouldn’t have been difficult to resolve, but Pastor Gong forced the argument that “I didn’t put the marital relationship first,” sowing the seeds of family disaster.
My wife’s mishandling of money and my mother could have been corrected within the church, but Pastor Gong’s distortion and misleading actions pushed them toward disaster.
I want to emphasize:
1) The true solution should have been: my wife apologized to my mother and transferred the money back into the joint name.
2) However, due to Pastor Gong’s distorted logic:
My wife didn’t admit her mistake, she felt justified.
My wife continued to “control money and prevent me from knowing,” yet she felt “at ease” in the church environment.
My wife’s actions were deeply wrong, but he accused me of “not prioritizing our marital relationship,” pushing me into a situation that violated biblical principles and was deeply wrong.
This turned a readily resolvable problem in my family into an unsolvable one, pushing our family affairs in a direction completely opposite to that of solving them, leading to disastrous consequences.
3) If it weren’t for Pastor Gong’s distorted reasoning and misleading ideas, my wife would never have felt she was right; nor would she have continued to “control money and prevent me from knowing,” yet still felt “at ease” in the church environment.
4) Because Pastor Gong and my wife were both in the wrong, neither of them was willing to admit their mistakes. This allowed the distorted reasoning and my wife’s “control of money and prevented me from knowing,” yet still feeling “at ease,” to continue for a long time. This allowed the problem to continue to fester, leading to constant arguments and confrontation between the couple, and ultimately to a greater family disaster.